A Week in April

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I had four patients die within one week.

When the totality hit me, I nearly lost control of my emotions.


On the Obstetrics service, a majority of all patient encounters are joyous and professionally reaffirming.

Each antepartum heart tone heard via ultrasound brings a sense of wellness and anticipation, both to the expectant mother and the caring physician.

But not every delivery has a pleasant outcome. Not every parent has a sense of anticipation. And not every physician can cope with those competing forces.


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I delivered a 33-week-old neonate who precipitously declined within the first 24 hours of life. It had been an easy delivery, with the mother having given birth five times previously, and the fetus not yet having reached the period of greatest growth.

With one deep breath from her mother and a hearty push of the abdominal and pelvic musculature, the baby arrived, opening her eyes and taking her first breath while still cradled in my left arm.

She looked right at me. Deep into my eyes as she let out her first cry.


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But despite our medical technologies and painstaking care, not every newborn baby survives.

She died in the neonatal intensive care unit 7 days later, an infection having made its way from the vaginal mucosa of her mother into her lungs and from there into her bloodstream.

The most aggressive antibiotics and procedures did not save her; there was nothing more we could have done.

Her death was unsettling. It came as the last of the four, but the one which nearly encompassed my entire being in darkness.

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Two days after her birth, while awaiting another delivery on a quiet Friday night, the Code Blue alarms, indicating a cardiac arrest somewhere in the hospital, sounded overhead in the lecture hall.

My colleague, Dr O, was on medicine call that evening; she jumped from her seat across from me, immediately ending our conversation.

I glanced at my other colleagues remaining at the table and dutifully indicated I would join Dr O in case she needed back-up so they could complete sign-out.


 

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The Code was called to a room at the furthest point possible from where we were seated, so rather than assuming I would eventually arrive to find Dr O having resuscitated the patient, I broke into a full sprint, clasping my stethoscope around my neck with my right hand to prevent it from flying off mid-stride, in case something went awry.

When I arrived a minute later, all hell was breaking loose, despite Dr O and a more senior physician, Dr B,  deftly providing and directing life resuscitating efforts.

The woman, a 31-year-old mother of 6, who was admitted for nausea two days earlier, was accompanied in the room by her distressed and screaming 6-year-old son and her husband, who was shouting hysterically from her bedside, begging her to come back.


 

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I stepped into hell incarnate and helped guide the husband and son to an adjoining room.

When I returned moments later, nothing had changed. She was still unresponsive. No heart beat was palpable; no rhythm identified on the cardiac monitor.

A deep sense of distress was evident in the room, despite the aggressive nature of our efforts.


 

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The next hour lasted for an eternity, as Dr O, Dr B, and myself assisted the nurses in providing chest compressions, giving medications to stimulate cardiac contractility, and delivering electrical shocks to bring her back to life.

Nothing worked.

Her heart did not regain electrical activity. Her lungs did not attempt another breath.

Once we determined further efforts were futile, the husband, increasingly hysterical, was guided back into her room, to kiss the cheek of a lifeless body once belonging to the mother of his 6 children.

He begged us to try more. The despair in his eyes pierced everyone’s souls.

His son was sitting quietly in the adjoining room.

Physicians, nurses, security guards, and the chaplain cried; our emotions audible throughout the hallway.

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I returned to the Obstetric floor after embracing my colleagues in a moment of silence. I stopped in the locker room to take off my sweat and tear-soaked scrubs and replace them with a new pair.

I delivered a healthy baby boy an hour later. His parents thanked me incessantly before I left the room.


I left the hospital the following Saturday morning having delivered several newborn girls and boys into this world.

All the while knowing a loving mother had unexpectedly died and another child’s life was being sustained in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.

When I returned to the hospital on Sunday night, I quickly scoured the electronic charts awaiting my signature.

A new electronic tab had appeared in the toolbar for me to click on. It read “Death Notice.”

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I anticipated having to re-read the harrowing and emotional report of the unexpected death of the mother from Friday night.

Instead, I was blindsided by the account of another of my patient’s death, whom I had seen only a few weeks previously in the office.

He had been brought to my hospital’s Emergency Department on Saturday night, lifeless, despite the heroic efforts of the EMS and subsequent attempts by the Trauma Surgeons.

 

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In the early evening hours of Saturday night, he had been found lying in a pool of his own blood, a trail of that blood following him for a reported 50 yards.

A bullet had pierced his femoral artery, the largest blood-carrying vessel in the leg; it had shredded the artery, leaving behind a capable exit path for the blood to flow from his body.

 

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With each beat of his heart, more blood would gush from the wound in his leg, causing the heart to beat faster as it attempted to compensate for the missing blood.

Instead of a life-continuing effort, in its paradoxical nature, the heart beckoned the same death it hoped to avoid.

After scouring the internet for more information, I learned the 50-year-old man had been minding his own business in the parking lot of his apartment building when a man and woman approached him. They pointed a gun at him and demanded his wallet.

Having had several colorful conversations with him in the office, I could easily visualize him telling them to “Fuck Off”, his East Coast upbringing shining bright.

The following morning I received a phone call from my Program Director. She had also received notification of his death and wanted to check in with me.

I expressed my thanks for her concern. I did not tell her about the lifeless mother or the neonate only a few breaths from death.

 

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A third patient died in the next 48 hours.

Honestly, I can not recall the details. None of them.

They have seemingly been erased from my memory, perhaps in a fitful effort to suppress the emotions death has brought to the forefront of my medical training so that I do not throw my heart up in the air and declare all is lost.

But I know another patient, someone for whom I cared, whose family loved them, succumbed to the only outcome known to our species.

Death.

 

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So I will document that death here; despite my brain’s greatest efforts to forget it, I will forever know the impact it has had upon me.


 

When I received the call, I let out a deep sigh. I hung up as my eyes swelled with tears.

The fourth death. A seven-day-old child whose eyes I had stared into while holding in my left arm as she took her first breath.

Until the day I die, I hope to not forget the look I gave her. One of awe. And love. Excitement. And fear.

A gamut of human emotions, packed into one soul-penetrating experience.

I hope, despite her struggle for life, that in her final moments, the neurons in her brain grasped onto the emotions I transferred to her with our brief encounter.

That in the last beat of her heart and breath of her lungs, her mind went to the moment we shared; the look of awe and love and excitement drowning out the fear lurking deep in my eyes.

 

The Allies of Magneto

 

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The Birth of Magneto

The Rise of Magento

The Opposition to Magneto

Residency is a right of passage (and requirement) in the development of anyone altruistic, sadistic, or narcissistic enough to pursue a career as a physician in America.

The progression of each individual, man and woman, from naïve undergraduate pre-medical student to naïve medical student to overwhelmed Resident to newly-minted Attending Physician is a long and tiring process; Residency represents the final and most taxing leg in this pursuit.


 

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Depending on the field of medicine pursued, the training in Residency will span 3 to 5 years, potentially longer if one desires even more specialized training.

Each of these years brings with it new challenges, burdens, and failures; these are buttressed by the highlights, accolades, and patients who refer to you as “my doctor.”

None of these are equal or in proportion to the amount of time invested.

Not everyone who starts Residency finishes.

The product of each and every Residency is the Resident it transforms from medical school graduate into Attending Physician. This metamorphosis is akin to the sluggish caterpillar being reborn as the majestic butterfly.

 

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Though each Residency has a “class of Residents” representing each year of training, the outcome for each of these members may not be the same; certainly the process will not be the same, as individuals have their medical knowledge and clinical skills carved out with every moment of their individual training.

Only on the very last day of Residency will every member of each Resident class have completed, in differing sequences, the requirements to achieve the status of Attending Physician.

They will have encountered different patients, performed a myriad of diverse procedures, and possess thousands of hours of clinical experiences.


 

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The Residency program in which I find myself is no different. I am now a member of the PGY-3 (3rd year) class; the last year of our training.

At this juncture, I have cared for thousands of patients, spent nearly 7000 hours practicing my craft, and been bestowed with a persona I could have never imagined.

Amongst my peers, I have become Magneto; born from the cauldron of uncertainty brewed during Night Float; and then battling amongst the other aspects of my developing psyche, every day inching closer to becoming an Attending Physician.

But there are others like Magneto, each whom have been submerged in the icy depths of a Code Blue, roared into the uncertain waters of a Septic Shock, withstood the calamity of a bezerk office patient, and succumbed to the simultaneous terror and awe of newborn’s cry.

They are The Allies of Magneto.


 

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In our program, The Allies of Magneto have the opportunity to train in all aspects of medicine: obstetrics, gerontology, surgery, trauma, cardiology, nephrology, critical care, gynecology, pediatrics, acute care, neurology, and chronic disease management.

We each develop strengths and weaknesses, preferences and avoidances, as a means to mold our calling as society’s guardians of health and wellness.

Red Panda, The Prince, Joker, Doc O, Big Red, Jane Grey, and BeastMode, amongst others, have shared moments of fear, trepidation, joy, anxiety, and solace with Magneto.

 

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Each has toiled within the confines of a profession on the brink of meltdown and burnout. Each has contemplated a life outside of medicine. Each has longed for the ability to practice as they preach.

Each of them, now on the precipice of completing the journey to Attending Physician, having been taught to “Do No Harm”, have a host of decisions to make.

Who have they become amidst the countless hours of training?

How can they salvage their innate desire to do good, damn the barriers and obstacles placed in front of them?

Are they ready for what lay ahead?


 

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For those who have joined Magneto on this winding journey, one chapter will soon come to an end.
But the author’s pen is patiently waiting, the next chapter slowly bubbling to the surface.

The Allies of Magneto, a group matured by the innumerable hours caring for those who seek their aid, hope to simultaneously shape their future and the future of those they serve.

No longer will the icy depths of a Code Blue, the uncertain waters of a Septic Shock, the calamity of a bezerk office patient, and the simultaneous terror and awe of newborn’s cry, cause them trepidation.

Instead, they will emerge from a 3-year-long cocoon to become the next generation of Family Physicians, forever remembered in my mind as The Allies of Magneto.

 

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The Rise of Magneto

 

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The Birth of Magneto

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Since their inception, movies and television have glamorized the life of a physician, often intertwining personal stories of said physicians with the heroic acts they perform and the inherent braininess required therein.

This is only a mild reality.

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Sure, physicians are by-and-large smarter than the average bear, but it is our tireless work ethic, attention to detail, and self-loathing which provides us the ability to make such a significant impact in the lives of our patients.

There is little glitz, even less glamour, and only the occasional heroic act in the life of a physician. But the combination of these traits keeps many of us going back to work every day.

No. I mean EVERY day. As in… working EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

In case you can’t tell I’m currently smack dab in the middle of my second year of Residency (aka PGY-2)… a time I have affectionately termed, “The Rise of Magneto.”

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Though some more recent medical dramas have included the lives of Residents, this middle ground in the hierarchy of medicine is poorly understood and recognized.

After completing medical school, newly-minted physicians in the US must complete a Residency before becoming a physician capable of practicing on their own.

In the US, simply completing medical school is not sufficient to become a physician; no hospitals or physician groups will hire you; no insurance will reimburse you.

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Instead, you must prove your worth, knowledge, and skills by completing a Residency in the specialty of your choice.

Alas, the general public is not fully aware of this transitional stage in the professional life of a physician. There is either “you are a doctor” or “you are not a doctor”.

And if the patient is sitting in a gown, on an exam table or on a hospital gurney, while asking for medical help and you identify yourself as their physician, “you are a doctor.”

Which, in fact, you are.

Confused yet?

Well, I am too.

Because now that I’m half-way through my Residency, I am starting to find myself straddling the line between being a naive Intern and a full-fledged Attending.

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The major reason Residencies exist in the US is due to the wide swath of information and skills needing to be honed in order to provide adequate medical care in the 21st century (and the 20th century before it.)

The sheer breadth of knowledge acquired during these training programs is paramount to fully understanding the capabilities, pit-falls, and intricacies of the human body.

It also introduces physicians to the longitudinal aspects of caring for patients and their families.

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One night while I was an Intern (PGY-1), I responded to an overhead page from the Emergency room; my assistance was requested in the care of a critically ill patient.

Not exactly “my” assistance per se, but by being the Intern on-call, I was part of the team responding to patients who have such a severe infection as to be called “Septic“.

The woman was non-responsive, cool to the touch, and seemingly every square centimeter of her body was swollen with fluid.

Her vital signs on the monitor were tenuous. A quick scan of her body revealed a tube protruding from her pelvis, most likely a surgically placed catheter to drain urine from her bladder.

The daughter sat at the bedside, quickly describing the course of actions she believed could have led to the current predicament.

Despite her seated position at the bedside, her fear was palpable.

I thanked her for the explanation and informed her we would need to pursue aggressive measures to save her mother’s life. Without hesitation, she consented.

Over the next several days, her mother remained unresponsive in the Intensive Care Unit, her life supported by machines to keep her lungs delivering oxygen to her swollen body; medications kept her heart pumping that same oxygen to every fragile cell.

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But one day shortly thereafter, I arrived in the ICU and the mother was no longer in the room.

The bed was barren, immaculately cleaned, and prepared for the next critically ill patient.

She had died overnight, her body unable to sustain life despite the most aggressive medical interventions, all while I attempted to regain my cellular integrity through several hours of sleep in my own poorly-cared-for apartment.

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Six months later, I was working in the office of an Oncologist (a doctor who treats patients with cancer) preparing to see his next patient. While thumbing through her chart, he described the course of events leading her to seek his care.

When we entered the room, I saw a familiar face. The daughter of the non-responsive woman I just described. She smiled and greeted me, though I instantaneously recognized her palpable fear.

The Oncologist was surprised and said, “you two know each other?”

I responded, “yes, I cared for her mother.”

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There were no heroic acts which changed the outcome of the mother’s life. Unfortunately, there were no heroic acts to perform for the daughter either.

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In our current “illness-based” medical system, which more handsomely rewards interventions while people are ill, even Family Medicine docs like myself tend to more commonly encounter patients when they are in need, rather than when they are well.

{This is more a by-product of when people tend to seek out care, rather than a desire on most physicians part, as Family Medicine is predicated on prevention of illness.}

And sometimes the wellness and illness intersect.

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Having completed two months of Obstetrics and Gynecology during my intern year, as a PGY-2 I have become “eligible” to work 24-hour shifts on the Obstetrics service.

The Rise of Magneto, indeed.

{By eligible, I mean the cap on my consecutive hours able to be worked is now 24… And I am assigned to work said shifts based on my availability. Which is truly, whenever. But that is Residency. So be it.}

Within the first hour of working my first OB-24, I delivered the baby of a woman I had never met, which is common on the Labor & Delivery service.

After ascertaining the baby’s general health and wellness while identifying the absence of suturing opportunities in the woman’s vaginal canal, I calmly congratulated her, welcomed her son to the world, and exited the room to tend to another pregnant woman.

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One week later I was working in the Pediatric Emergency Department, my latest assignment as a PGY-2, when my eyes were drawn to a patient’s Chief Complaint on the Patient Tracking Board.

It read “fever, decreased PO intake”. I scanned over to the patient’s age and read, “7 days.”

On my first night in the Pediatric ED I had seen another 7-day-old with fever and decreased PO (oral) intake. I ended up performing a lumbar puncture that night on that child due to a concern for meningitis.

Thankfully, the test results came back showing that the child did not have meningitis.  It recovered quickly and was home within two days.

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But that experience had quickly alerted me to the need to act quickly and decisively in order to prevent a dire outcome.

So I clicked my name next to this latest 7-day-old child and quickly proceeded to the patient room to evaluate him.

When I opened the door and introduced myself, the mother and I instantaneously recognized each other. She was gently rocking the boy I had delivered only 7 days previously.

Doctor, please help him.”

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I had only a week before assisted his exit from his mother’s womb. I assured his mother we would care for him and made my way back to the area where an Attending physician was awaiting my assessment and plan.

While I alerted my Attending to the intimate relationship I possessed with this child and his mother, a few of the other Residents and Attendings happened to overhear the predicament.

They all began to listen in as I outlined my plan to perform a Lumbar puncture to assure he was not rapidly deteriorating at the hands of a bacterial foe.

My Attending agreed, looked at me intently, all the while recognizing my whole-hearted investment in this patient.

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There are few instances in medicine as intimate as the delivery as a child, and to have that same child fall ill and somehow end up back within your care in a completely different hospital on a completely different medical service only a few days later, is the essence Family Medicine.

We can be seemingly ubiquitous.

Thankfully, the young boy, only a week into his life, tolerated the Lumbar puncture; his cerebrospinal fluid was absent of life-eradicating bacteria or virus; he was sleeping comfortably in his own crib again within two days.

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The transition from “medically knowledgeable but clinically deficient Intern” to “clinically seasoned and seemingly knowledgeable Senior Resident” is one fraught with pitfalls: sleep deprivation, anxiety-producing clinical scenarios, life-and-death struggles, and glaring holes in medical knowledge.

But at the moment of greatest despair, when the chips are down, the night can’t end, the day can’t come soon enough, and the struggle to become a good physician seems out-of-reach, the Intern becomes a Senior Resident.

And reflects back on the do-or-die nights, the life-and-death days, the thankful patients, the grateful families, the new-born babies first squeel, and the meaningful and life-long relationships created in the cauldron of uncertainty…

… bringing on The Rise from Intern to Senior Resident.

In my case, The Rise of Magneto.